Flower of surrender.

As I was riding back home, a little bitterness cought my heart.

Well it’s a lie. It was a huge piece of bitterness kicking my heart to enter and take advantage. And what I’m gonna say is totally unlikely in me. I’m not a saint, I’m not amazingly cool either. I’m like in the middle. Just walking toward Him.

People change. We know each other today, then tomorrow times change and we are pushed to new challenges. New times, time to let go and embrace something new. The new always scare but before I beat about the bash I wanna get to the point.

I started first to talk to myself

“I’ve got the right to get angry”

“This is not the first time”

And it was funny because like 4 hours before it, I was listening over and over again about forgiveness, how bitterness just interrupts this living relationship we have with the Saviour, but I was there wrestling with myself. Much to my surprise, right there in the bus seat, I opened my heart to God, sincerity at its best. Like, I don’t want this to ruin our connection, how I’m sorry that I sometimes feel I’ve got the right to act in anger, how if He can give me grace, so I can extend it to this situation that once in a while pulls me in. And all of the sudden, the Spirit just took completely control of the situation.

The thing is, we have to keep in mind that we struggle because we’re on this earth, we don’t belong here, but He’s more willing, ready to help us to live His life and have his heart that we could ever imagine, but something else was about to happen. Once I got home around quarter to eleven, nobody was at home, the front door was locked, …. and I had no key; as you can imagine the first thought in my head was “I can jump the another door to enter in my house” but I got rid of the idea in a sec because I’m nowhere close to be Jackie Chan, the second idea was “I can kick the front door, till the lock gets broken” but then I was like nop, horrible idea. And then I kinda let the bitterness and anger attacked me again, like “It’s freezing and I have no key” “My parents should know this, we’ve been through this before” and then even my neighboor’s music bothered me, I started to show the worst glimpse of myself. I hate this place, I hate this, that, my spine, the cold, the wind. All the thanksgiving I was signing before I got home was missed.

Two hours later, I met my dad, I had the chance to get warm at home and finally dinner. I laughed because I saw how God was showing me how it always a good times to start practicing what he has taught us in the good or bad times.

We must remember ourselves, that we are free to not be driven by our emotions.

We’re finally free to find joy even times like these.

To Be Familiar with God

Well after all these tears. fears. wondering and wandering.

Life is like smiling.

 

Just that.

Let’s just give that away anywhere we are. A smile. An act of kidness.

Because first is to love Him and therefore love others just as the best versions of ourselves.

x.

Today, I danced again.

Yeah, did you know I haven’t dance in months? Like not in a stage, neither at a dance class. I haven’t dance by myself since several months ago

I had no motive at all, the movements didn’t use to pop as soon as I heard a song. Even I tried, I didn’t came from the heart.

And it hurted because it was a big sign that something was wrong. Not only mentally, nor emotionally, but spiritually.

I only can improvise a movement when I feel redemption in my veins, when the Spirit is one with me.

Well, none of that happened. For someone who love much dancing, as anyone loves a good meal with a bunch of friends. The sparkle was gone.

The intimacy was gone?

The Spirit was gone?

No. That would be saying that happines equals the joy of the Spirit and no, it wasn’t that.

I have felt like quitting since like a while, quitting everything. Quit home. running away home. Quit friends. Quit reading His love letter.

Let’s add the fact that in a though way, I have earned to listen to God’s voice only. I came across with so many people comments that hurt me and even worst I even stopped to listen to them. You know, trolling, cynism and sceptisim can come even from someone who’s walking your very same road, but it doesn’t mean that they’re not gonna hurt you.

The point is I wouldn’t say “Thank God for bad news, bad times and uncomfortable circumstances” because they’ve been emotionally hard to bear and one thing I’m not likely to be with God is unreal, I indeed tell him everything that cross my mind. I bet He sometimes discipline my thoughts, I’m sure He laughts at them in another cases. Even though nothing much changed, and some prayers reamined unanswered, one thing that these last days resound in my head has been:

“Recapture the Father’s heart“

And the thing is I found out we’ve spent too much time talking about reaching dreams, and trying in our efforts overcome struggles. And even it may sound a little like boycottt, we’re not our dreams. We are free to reach them indeed. But they are not a reliable place to rest, overnight they can be gone, and we are left with nothing.

What do all these has to do with dancing?

A lot. Most of my dreams involve dancing and a lot of it. Beside being a translator my childlike dreams involves pretty much a musical. And I have fought with a lot of doubts “Does God lie?” “He does not know my imposibility to even jump?” and even though I know God can make miracles, I came to the fact that as much as I want my dreams come true, I’m just not letting God have all the control.

I’m sure Colossians 3.2 wasn’t much applied in my life.

These questions remain unanswered till today: I sincerely have no idea if all these dreams will become true, but even I can be the most anxious person alive every day, every single day I have tell to myself to thank, lie and let God do His thing. But even if these dreams do not come true what would happen?

 My shepherd is mysterious, but I’m sure He love His bride too much to let her be stained by the little foxes.

He wants my heart, He loves me and when I am face to face with such kindness I can’t help but dance.

Maybe that’s my reason to be.

To see Him smile first.