Today, I danced again.
Yeah, did you know I haven’t dance in months? Like not in a stage, neither at a dance class. I haven’t dance by myself since several months ago
I had no motive at all, the movements didn’t use to pop as soon as I heard a song. Even I tried, I didn’t came from the heart.
And it hurted because it was a big sign that something was wrong. Not only mentally, nor emotionally, but spiritually.
I only can improvise a movement when I feel redemption in my veins, when the Spirit is one with me.
Well, none of that happened. For someone who love much dancing, as anyone loves a good meal with a bunch of friends. The sparkle was gone.
The intimacy was gone?
The Spirit was gone?
No. That would be saying that happines equals the joy of the Spirit and no, it wasn’t that.
I have felt like quitting since like a while, quitting everything. Quit home. running away home. Quit friends. Quit reading His love letter.
Let’s add the fact that in a though way, I have earned to listen to God’s voice only. I came across with so many people comments that hurt me and even worst I even stopped to listen to them. You know, trolling, cynism and sceptisim can come even from someone who’s walking your very same road, but it doesn’t mean that they’re not gonna hurt you.
The point is I wouldn’t say “Thank God for bad news, bad times and uncomfortable circumstances” because they’ve been emotionally hard to bear and one thing I’m not likely to be with God is unreal, I indeed tell him everything that cross my mind. I bet He sometimes discipline my thoughts, I’m sure He laughts at them in another cases. Even though nothing much changed, and some prayers reamined unanswered, one thing that these last days resound in my head has been:
“Recapture the Father’s heart“
And the thing is I found out we’ve spent too much time talking about reaching dreams, and trying in our efforts overcome struggles. And even it may sound a little like boycottt, we’re not our dreams. We are free to reach them indeed. But they are not a reliable place to rest, overnight they can be gone, and we are left with nothing.
What do all these has to do with dancing?
A lot. Most of my dreams involve dancing and a lot of it. Beside being a translator my childlike dreams involves pretty much a musical. And I have fought with a lot of doubts “Does God lie?” “He does not know my imposibility to even jump?” and even though I know God can make miracles, I came to the fact that as much as I want my dreams come true, I’m just not letting God have all the control.
I’m sure Colossians 3.2 wasn’t much applied in my life.
These questions remain unanswered till today: I sincerely have no idea if all these dreams will become true, but even I can be the most anxious person alive every day, every single day I have tell to myself to thank, lie and let God do His thing. But even if these dreams do not come true what would happen?
My shepherd is mysterious, but I’m sure He love His bride too much to let her be stained by the little foxes.
He wants my heart, He loves me and when I am face to face with such kindness I can’t help but dance.
Maybe that’s my reason to be.
To see Him smile first.