Like a sign of relief. That was how I felt the very moment I ended up my first year course.
It’s been a year of fears, cryings, complaints. Loss. Finding the right in the wrong. The faith in the skepticism of answered questions.
A year where I felt myself more identified with riddle lyrics and indie bands than actually, people – and yes by indie I mean the kind of music that’s mostly un-mainstream. I have found myself laying walking this whole year holding the very same hand of the Saviour, in spite of not actually being aware of him being there; in fact, truth be told, I have also felt myself walking naked everywhere I went.
Exposed in the subway. Exposed in my school. Exposed in my own struggles. I have come to the point to the point where if I had search well and the testimonies I’ve felt identified are real, I may have struggled with argarophobia. Maybe not. (diagnosing me myself is not my thing tbh)
The fact is not what I had it. It’ts because WHY?
Why am I so scared? Why are we so scared?
Am I scare of asking questions? I find out that I don’t even I do.
Am I scare of the future? What people says? What people think of me? Not being of good enough? Not living rad enough?
Living too rad? Not making my dreams come true? Afraid of failing God?
That last one makes me laugh. Because definitely will.
What is it for me so hard to rest?
Why can I just shut up for a bit and enjoy being held and rocked in the very hands of God? Because I’ve been there and trust there’s no place on earth where you feel that heart in relief, but I still fall into this anxious thing.
I have found mercy on people’s eyes. I have found rejection on people’s glance.
I used to be so care-free and your-opinion-is-so-irrelevant-like that now that I find myself in some kind of shell where I’m mostly scared of everything, I think that maybe that girl won’t be back yet. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like kicking doors and the brave goes on, sometimes I’m scared of everything and I hate every human being. What a creepy, terrifying, horrifying being the human being can be, indeed.
Maybe it’s time slowly, as a newly born, learn to live loved and therefore I know I’ll walk in peace.
(yep, I couldn’t help post some TAN’s stuff.)