I haven’t had to go to college since Wednesay, I’ve been staying awake all nights long watching Downton Abbey S2 because that’s how I roll it. I ended up weeping. NEVER AGAIN.

Anyway, I’ve been scrolling through my old tweets, the one from the early ’10, when I was like 19 and saying goodbye to the teenage recklesness, it was cool; much to my surprise it’s weird to read me swearing as if I was a storm drain (I hope that’s the expression in english, otherwise you south american peeps know what I’m talking about)

But one true sad thing, it’s my sense of humor was priceless back then; I used to laugh the hell out of me, I’m still a joker but I’m not so funny anymore.
This whole thing I think started when I started to get sorrounded by the wrong people at the wrong time adding the fact that I started to feed myself with the most poisonous pies. You know when you’re an anti-cliché girl like me, you try to avoid any kind of over-used thought, so as a result, and don’t ask me how I ended up thinking that by telling me bashing “facts” but ultimately true, I would be the opposite of the typical 21th century girl. That that’s better a hard truth than a lie.
But what happenes when the filter goes torn, and you get to a point when you don’t wether something is true or it’s false? When you’re just wounded and you keep prompting the acid thoughts in your head?
And even thought we have to support each other, we all know that but what if that other keeps pushing the worst of you. And they shout you out. And they tell you, you are wrong. And even with an admired person gives something that seems like aprovements that what they’re saying, you feel wounded. Really wounded.

That if something is poising 1) your relationship with Christ 2) the relationship with yourself, reconsider that Jesus wasn’t all peace yo and alright with everyone. Throughout His word I can see how He sounds so poured out in love and in other times we see how he takes way many things to His heart. He wasn’t scared of falling short of people expectations.
We were created with a mouth and free will but also self-control.

As JJ Heller song would say: “You have a voice, you have to use it
The whole idea is love isn’t “I embrace everything because I’m a good girl“. It is, as Christ, I’ll set boundaries in love.

That can be good not only for you but for that person.

And what about now? I’m the funniest girl, again. Nope.
Detoxing your soul, should be as cleaning the heart for Him to place it.

Travelme.

She began to realize that, cowardly though she was, there was something in her which responded with a surge of excitement to the test and difficulties of the way better than to easier and duller circumstances.. In some way the dangers of the storm had stimulated her; now there was nothing but tameness, just a trudge, trudge forward, day after day, able to see nothing except for white, clinging mist which hung about the mountains without a gleam of sunshine breaking through...” – Hinds’ feet on high places

Flashnews!  I fell into the pit of self-pityn. Again. That one when with the one ‘why me?‘ ‘why to me?‘. I sound much really much like Walt Whitman, don’t I?

Concerning lack of hope, I’m all woman of the world, in regards in shutting up my self-bashing comments, not so much. These last months have been so misty, so senseless, you know, those times when you just rather live the secret’s life of Walter Mitty, than actually face real and world problems.

So, since I have a crush on drama, it dawned on my that while we keep on rolling the rat race, and our world is all about traffic, glaring ads and cynical sorroundings, we soon will go nuts, but it’s healthy to say “Stop, you soul. Calm down!

Besides unanswered questions I also found out I had hidden poetry written inside my chest, just ready to be left out.

That these hands can paint the most soul-calming paintings about how we will get safe home.

How heart does not have to be the wheel of life.

It certainly will bleed in the way of my so beloved dreams, and when the love given to the people we aim to reach is not returned, but I’ve found that walking through this  edged path gives me a kind of bravery that I would never find in my comfort zone.

That kind of bleeding that assuredly worths any kind of scar that they leave us. We are all bonded through hearts broken, sad stories, struggles, but for some way as our roads get crossed we end up being each others’ Timon and Pumba, putting in a funny way. The feeling of “It’s alright, we all go through this, it’s ok. C’mon, you have my shoulder if you need it“. Amiable souls are still wandering around the world, there are so many stories waiting to be shared.

Music can be the most epic kind of company if you know how to distinguish the flavor of brokenness and the masochism froma submissive attitute.

Stringed tunes can be the soundtrack of your life if you know how to play the right chords.

As soon as she closes the gate behind me, I make up my mind to take the wide bridge across her house, the one above the lake. Taking the cement path which makes the the way to it, I see a bunch of these stunning and snow-white creatures chattering in the lakes; those tiny legs, and a body shaped as the most loved living thing. I snap a picture. Zoom it. I snap a zoomed picture. And they are there.

 ImageEverything is alright since that day I made all this plan about sleeping over there with the excuse that I had to. Swolling pride, and feeling terribly ashamed for hiding I mumble:

“…and I just wanted to tell you that.” I say pretending that I’m not feeling uncovered.

“…it’s ok“. And then she keeps on chattering as if I wouldn’t have done nothing, she tells me about her family abroad coming town, and how it was just a detail. 

The whole picture says “I’m sorry” while grace embrace hearts again, the warmness starts rebuild the garden and the hurting drains.

And how standing in your fierce position of this-is-who-I-am attitude comes along with bouncing hearts, smiley hopes. How walking in faith is the most adventurous, reckless and pleasing path you could ever chose; the path where you can see Him showing those wide smiles when we take heedless ideas, and we make them true by introduce faith with action. My fave otp ever.

But reality screams terms, family falling appart, relatives leaving town, hearts wearing, how I wouldn’t mind leaving home and these AngloSaxons notes to sit beside that lake and drink mate while reading this dead book that as soon as you invite the Helper in, it becomes the most alive pages ever.

But I can smile at gifts received from childhood friend, lonely times, and dessert.

Because downheartness can lead through a black deep hole, or can also lead you to paint on a Tuesday morning, to mumble your fave song when you see those eyes judging your radness, because it’s not only about attitude but wether I feel it or not, decide that blurry reality can rob my Shelter.

Image

What about going far away?

Take wing like a bird, and lose ourselves. But seriously what are we running from? One thing I know is when we have a problem, wether is big or small, and we don’t wanna face it, it gets, bigger, and bigger, and bigger and then it becomes the biggest issue you carry because you don’t face it because you are scared.

Sadly is that, maybe is not THAT big.  And if it is, once is spoken it goes away, and our burden dissapears.

What are we running from?

The gospel is not hearing but doing. And it may cost your beautiful wounded pride to become the least in the story, but the result will be a free soul and as I once heard

Wether you asked for forgive or you confess something you’ve been carrying all along the way for ages, it’s gonna be the worst and the best day of your life

Asking for forgiveness to someone who I’ve hurt scares the hell out of me, but what if all this makes me not to walk straight this narrow path.

Courage. And then move on.

Let’s be the verb.

Flower of surrender.

As I was riding back home, a little bitterness cought my heart.

Well it’s a lie. It was a huge piece of bitterness kicking my heart to enter and take advantage. And what I’m gonna say is totally unlikely in me. I’m not a saint, I’m not amazingly cool either. I’m like in the middle. Just walking toward Him.

People change. We know each other today, then tomorrow times change and we are pushed to new challenges. New times, time to let go and embrace something new. The new always scare but before I beat about the bash I wanna get to the point.

I started first to talk to myself

I’ve got the right to get angry

This is not the first time

And it was funny because like 4 hours before it, I was listening over and over again about forgiveness, how bitterness just interrupts this living relationship we have with the Saviour, but I was there wrestling with myself. Much to my surprise, right there in the bus seat, I opened my heart to God, sincerity at its best. Like, I don’t want this to ruin our connection, how I’m sorry that I sometimes feel I’ve got the right to act in anger, how if He can give me grace, so I can extend it to this situation that once in a while pulls me in. And all of the sudden, the Spirit just took completely control of the situation.

The thing is, we have to keep in mind that we struggle because we’re on this earth, we don’t belong here, but He’s more willing, ready to help us to live His life and have his heart that we could ever imagine, but something else was about to happen. Once I got home around quarter to eleven, nobody was at home, the front door was locked, …. and I had no key; as you can imagine the first thought in my head was “I can jump the another door to enter in my house” but I got rid of the idea in a sec because I’m nowhere close to be Jackie Chan, the second idea was “I can kick the front door, till the lock gets broken” but then I was like nop, horrible idea. And then I kinda let the bitterness and anger attacked me again, like “It’s freezing and I have no key” “My parents should know this, we’ve been through this before” and then even my neighboor’s music bothered me, I started to show the worst glimpse of myself. I hate this place, I hate this, that, my spine, the cold, the wind. All the thanksgiving I was signing before I got home was missed.

Two hours later, I met my dad, I had the chance to get warm at home and finally dinner. I laughed because I saw how God was showing me how it always a good times to start practicing what he has taught us in the good or bad times.

We must remember ourselves, that we are free to not be driven by our emotions.

We’re finally free to find joy even times like these.

To Be Familiar with God

Originally posted on beloved:

My husband raised an interesting question this past weekend in his message.

He asked, “What do you think is the greatest enemy to faith?”

Many people would suggest that doubt is the greatest obstacle. Some believe fear or worry would be the biggest hindrance to faith. While all these are great suggestions and certainly true, Craig proposed another idea that most of us probably wouldn’t think about. He proposed that for many, the familiar is often the biggest obstacle to faith.

Think about it. Life becomes so familiar that we stop believing that God can change our circumstances. We think or say things like:

“I’ve prayed and nothing has changed.”

“I’ve tried to quit… but I just can’t.”

“I’ve always struggled with my weight.”

“We will always have a dysfunctional relationship.”

In fact, in our Life Group last week, almost everyone there expressed their willingness to pray with great faith…

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